EUPHORIC :]

My year as a junior in high school was indeed a great one. Full of twists and turns and yet it made me even appeased to face all the challenges that would grow on my way.  But now, another chapter shall divulge itself—MY LAST YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL, MY YEAR OF BEING A SENIOR, THE END OF MY JOURNEY.

I hardly know how to response with all these sudden changes of my life. It’s like I just got a whole day of sleep and then woke up having a different world. It does pain me to say goodbye to my III-Mary Help of Christians family for it was totally a fun-filled year of being with them. But as many of us say, beautiful things must come to an end.

Mixed emotions are kind of giving me a big hit. I can’t help but think on how SMA will be as we welcome new sets of administrators and mentors after the big evacuation event of our so loved mentors. That really made me sad but as they say, life goes on. I do hope that these new people in town would build a REAL CHRIST-CENTERED SMA COMMUNITY instead of DEMOLISHING it and That they would share TRUTHFULNESS AND TRANSPARENCY all the time (well, bato bato sa langit, tamaan pakialam ko kung magalit).

This coming June 8, 2009, I’ll be entering room 401 ASSUMPTION OF OUR LADY, adviser is MRS. MA. LUISA PEREZ. I do not really make a big fuss about having Mrs. Perez as our adviser. In fact, I am very positive about her, I’ve heard a lot of feedbacks about her, both negative and positive. But I’m more on her positive side; I do not want to degrade her nobility as well as mine by digging up her negative side. She surely would be a great adviser to the ‘AOL de ‘PEREZIANS’.

There are also a lot of rumors about our new classmates, well, welcome to the world of geeks! Just kidding… we’re not geeks as what others think about us. We also enjoy life the way you do. So, don’t be afraid to join our boat, you surely would have fun with us.

And this year will also be my first and last year as an SC officer. It’s really a huge responsibility. But this is the path I chose to take; therefore I should be ready to face all the obstacles that it entails. May the good Lord bless and keep me.

On august, I’ll be taking UPCAT. The second hardest test in the country next to Ateneo’s ACET. It surely is a big fight for I will be competing with more then 70, 000 people just to vie for very limited slots. Wish me luck.

I really can’t believe all these things. I can’t help but go crazy over them. I hate goodbyes. My last year in high school? Oh no!!!  But okay, I have no choice. This is really it. GOODBYE MHC 08-09, HELLO AOL 09-10 J

A letter to mama…

Wow. I love you ma. Haha! Funny as always. I’ve been with you for over fifteen years. And I’m glad that until now… you’re still around. You are such a precious mother though I despise the way you act in front of me sometimes. Acting like you belong to my age group and all that then suddenly transforming into an old-fashioned Madame. Gosh. It makes me sick. Really. But somehow… those funny stances of yours kept me moving towards the limelight.

You and dudes (daddy) are my every endeavor. You light up every dark moment of my life. Remember those times that I was crying endlessly because I don’t want you to leave me alone in school? Despite my grudge of seeing you leave, the fact that I want you beside me clearly shows how much I love you. I may have been a bad daughter at times but believe me, it was never intentional. It was never my desire to put you in so much agony.

Greatest witness is what you are as I let drop the real meaning of my life. It was but a tough journey towards knowing my dreams and ambitions in life. You were there to guide me and support me. I fell in love and got hurt in the end. It took so much time for my pained heart to recuperate but still, you managed to stay and give me all the comfort you could convey. I failed to be a champion in the declamation contest, though you didn’t see me cry, still you said there’s no use in crying, instead it’s better to stand up, and doing such would make me a real winner. You have brought out the strongest person in me. And it really makes me glad that God gave you as my mother though we do not go in the same way for some unknown reasons. Haha J

Ma, don’t worry so much on how I’m going to handle living alone as I enter college. A year to go and I’m going to graduate in high school.  Yes, I know that you do not speak about how you feel about it, but you worry a lot, I could sense it.  You know how much I’m trying my best to be responsible enough to take care of myself. I won’t do things that could ruin all the pillars of my future.  

All you know right now is that I’m just dreaming for myself, but inside me, I’ve forgotten myself because my visions are for you. I want to become somebody great because of you. Though not enough, I want to pay you back through outliving these dreams of mine. Just sit back and relax ma, ‘because I’m going to make you proud. I’ll assure you that you would never ever regret having me as your daughter. Someday, you’ll see me as someone great and you’d tell everyone “hey, she’s my daughter and I’m very proud to be her mama”.

Always remember , when life goes beyond your limits, I’ll be here as your extension. I’ll be more than willing to forget getting married and be with you all the way. haha J I love you so much mama. Thank you for being more than a mother to me. I can’t imagine life without you we always fight but that don’t lessen my love for you. I always tell Renn that I hate you but I love you ma, I really do. I just can’t say it out loud. I’m not an ostentatious person and you certainly know that.

Happy mother’s day ma, I love you. Oh, this is the first ever letter I wrote for you J isn’t that great? I love you so much J

Anne J

It seems like the world changes from time to time. But these changes, I expected them; they are nothing new except for the changes I’ve seen in me. Back then, I was just living life one day at a time. I do not fret about anything that might happen; I just ignore the possibilities and go back to my fantasy island. This time, it doesn’t flow that way anymore. I’ve changed. Really.

I realized that deep in my heart, I really have big dreams in life. And because of these dreams, I’ve gone through a lot of changes. From disregarding the possibilities to facing the reality. I became competent of the games that life offers each and every day. I’ve learned to swim in the deepest oceans. And fly as high as possible though I seem flightless at times.

Being born as the first child, responsibilities are quite immense to handle. Sometimes, it exhausts me to clasp them. But if I wouldn’t be patient, then success will surely leave no room for me. And I wouldn’t want that to happen for it will not only sadden me but also the people who expected more from me.

I see myself being a lawyer someday. A booming one. It’s a million of steps away for now but as I continue my foremost journey, it will be as solid as a rock right on my very palms.

Yes. I really dream too big. But what would I do with my life if not? For over 15 years, my parents have defended me against any danger or pain in whatever aspect of life. But now, the time has come to take my turn. My turn to give back what they have given me though they do not ask a thing in replace of what they have given me.

My dad is currently working overseas and that really leaves a hole inside me. He would always share stories about how hard life is in abroad. The feeling of loneliness and all that. Hearing such really makes tears cascade from my eyes. And I really study like there’s no tomorrow because of that. I want him to go back here and feel free of living with no worries on how his family would survive 365 days in a year.

My mom is the one who takes care of us, playing two roles at the same time. I do know how hard it is for her to wake up each morning without a husband by her side. But she couldn’t do something about it for she knows it is the payment of the longing to have a good life. A good but not certainly a happy one. I want her to feel safe having the husband she once had with her again. I want her to smile without pretentions as she teaches us the right way of living and I want her to feel the real meaning of family again.

 My brother who is still young to know things like this. He needs our parents and me. He also has dreams though not definite for he is just a little boy who is fond of playing with other kids like him. But he misses having a complete family. I could see in his eyes how much he loves having us all beside him. He had told me once that he would want to study in La Salle and be a great engineer. He asked me to pay for his tuition when that time comes and I promised him that I would.

And lastly ME who sought for changes unknowingly. I’ve never imagined myself in this scenario, fighting like a warrior against the pain of failure. Thinking of others endlessly in exchange of forgetting my own happiness. Dreaming the dreams of my family.  But these changes, I would surely never regret them, for they brought out the inner beauty in me. The beauty of changing from a reeking weed to a blossoming flower.

Do you know the feeling of being shunned? Being a recluse and having no friends? Yes, of course, you don’t.  How would you know such feeling of being ridiculed when everyone loves you? And me? I am like an idiot, expecting that everybody would treat me as one of their pals. But because my life is one kind of a hell, no one accepted me because they think I am nothing but a reeking weed. Oh, so you pity me now huh? How nice of you. But sad to say, I DON’T CARE. Why would I? Caring for what you feel or think about me won’t do me any good.

Everyone loathes me and I vehemently know that. I possess all the qualities of a big chunk evil, that’s why. They speak as I am the only one in this world who commits a lot of mistakes. But I won’t say sorry for being an IMPERFECT stain in your PERFECT world.

When I was still a little girl, when someone asks me the meaning of friendship, I wouldn’t answer. Why? Simply because I do not know what to answer. And until now I still couldn’t define the ill-fated word.

People always say that they like the ones who are TRUE. For crying out loud people, I AM TRUE. But why do you always reject me? You always make me feel that i don’t belong. Don’t you know that what you are doing is too crude? You are making my life rueful. Oh, I forgot that I am not your friend, so why would you mind if I get hurt?

This is the first time that I ever let everything I feel be exposed. I could not take the pain anymore. It’s bothering my well-being. I may be melodramatic but this time I won’t care anymore with what others may think about me. For 15 years, I’ve always hoped that somehow, people would love and accept me for who and what I am. But I was wrong. The more I seek for friendship, the more they avoid me. I really feel alone.

Countless are the times that I begged fate to grant my wish.  But I got tired of doing such. It’s just breaking my heart knowing the fact that even if I die, no friends would come.

Now, you think that I this because I want everybody to sympathize e me. Oh dear, it was never my dream. I did this because I want them to know how I feel.

My face is masking thousands of tears. You may see me smiling like everything is fine but deep inside, I am critically bleeding. The wounds are getting unfathomable. No doctor could heal them.

Now I know what friendship could do.

To put pain and misery in one’s life. I won’t believe in friendship anymore. Never.

medyo nadedepress ako ngayon. siyempre may konek na naman ‘to sa pagiging future-oriented ko. at medyo tinatamad din akong mag-pure english blog nowadays. wala lang. gumana lang siguro ang pagiging makabayan ko. aha :))

kasi naman no. nag-start na ‘kong mag-review kahapon at mahabaging si darna, nalula ako sa pag-aaralan ko. grammar..theories..formulas..chuchueber at kung anu-ano pang kabaklaan ng mga libro. kainis. sabi ko “‘wag na lang kaya akong mag-review” ngunit sabi naman ng kontabida kong kamalayan eh”paano ka papasa kung pagaganahin mo yang katamaran mo?”. kainis. hay. at nawawalan na din ako ng pag-asa at sabi ko ulit sa sarili ko “paano ‘pag di naman ako pumasa? na-broadcast ko na pa man din sa buong universe na pangarap kong makapasa sa UP” at sabi ulit ng kontrabida talagang kamalayan ko “kung kaya ng iba, kaya mo din. pareho lang kayong kumkain ng kanin”..eh pa’no kung diet sila ‘di ba?

nakakastress talaga ito. parang mababaliw na naman ako. ayoko naman kasing mag-protech kasi nga wala akong pambayad i can make it on my own ang drama ko. 

aha :)) ayaw niyong maniwalang wala akong pambayad no? wala talaga kasi nga wala nga. wala. wala. pero meron..meron..meron..wala nga. kulit
at kanina nga dahil sa sobrang depression ay dinaan ko na lang sa pagkain ng sinigang na bangus. aha :)) na imbes na sampaloc na natural eh powdered sampaloc ang binili ng “not so good ” cook na nanay ko. pero siyempere dahil mabait akong anak eh.. ayun. nagtiis ang lola mo. masarap naman kahit paano :))

back to our topic. 

wala. ewan. sana bukas eh ‘wag na ‘kong sumpungin ng katamaran. may nalalaman na man ako eh. at cool talagang mag-aral ng grammar kahit super keep bleeding brain ako. aha :))

nerdy :))

o ’sya. wala na ‘kong maisip. next time ulit. naiinis pala ako kay mar roxas. feeling pedicab/pedicap driver ang loko. duu. patayin ko yun eh. aha :))

–anne futuristic

okay. i do not personally know francis, i am not even his fan. it’s just that nagulat ako sa strength and courage na pinakita niya. leukemia is but a no joke. massakit ang process ng remission and healing. and to think na makita pa ang isang taong may ganong sakit na nakatawa pa at lumalaban is a big miracle.

francis didn’t let himself be ensnared by his situation. despite all that he is going through, he still had the chance to do a project with the eraserheads entitled “sykos”. i also saw his two multiply accounts. he’s vehemently a talented one. he’s a man with a heart for arts. when i saw his medical pictures, nagulat ako kasi i never thought na talagang ganun yung experience. big needles, tests, chemo and other stuffs. he was bruised and underwent sepsis.

he is also very well loved by everyone especially his children. he remanied a good father despite of what he is going through. and he is also very lucky having those 8 children of his, all of them were raised so well and became honor students in their schools. no doubt why francis is proud to say that he has them. and his wife pia, grabe, she is very strong. she never let her emotions take the better of her because she knows that somewhere, her road and francis’ road will meet again. it’s just that nauna lang c francis na pumunta kay Master :))

now that he is gone, 8 children, a wife and thousands of friends were left behind. but his death will never bring end to the legacy he had made. he will always be the man from manila,  the kababayan of every filipino. YOU ROCK KIKO!

*FRANCIS M WILL ALWAYS BE THE MAN!!*

I’ve spent half of my life asking questions

I’m not supposed to live in such situation

But time demanded me to do so

For I have lots of things to know

I walked along mountains

I touched the drop of rains

Still I was left so puzzled

By this life I never remembered

I reached the waters and felt the ocean breeze

There I found the answers I’ve never seen

I was awakened from the person I used to be

Life is not about any fairy tale but a reality

The wind blew hard as it whispered

Words in my life I never remembered

It’s the ocean breeze that made me see

How beautiful life is despite its entire enormity

It hurts to see her feeling the familiar pain again. The ghost of the pieces of her heart is ripping her apart. Constantly grabbing her every breath, leaving her hands clutching as she struggles to pull herself together. She was staring blankly in the dark; no light seems to grow from where she was sitting flatly. She is now a stranger to her own kind. She was wounded, inconceivably wounded. She wants to leave the cage from where she had been captivated for a long time now. She wishes for him to save her but there’s no him anymore simply because he’s now just memoir of her past, a memoir of her painful past.

She had been badly broken. She had been torn apart. Everybody thinks that she’s irredeemable, that she’s hopeless, but I was never one of them. I wanted to slap her a hundred times; I wanted to shout to her that the life she abandoned is still waiting for her to come back. But never did I dare because I vehemently know that she wouldn’t listen, she wouldn’t swallow every word that my mouth would throw to her. We had been friends for a long time now but I never envisaged that her ever loved fairy tale story would end up to nothing but an awful song to sing.

Tears would suddenly well up her eyes without any concrete reasons, just the petty ones. She would babble his name amid her sleep. There are times that I get sick of seeing the same scenario everyday but my urge to help her is stronger than the annoyance of hearing her talking about him all day, acting as if nothing ever happened, acting as if he’s still in her life.

Time came that she got catatonic. She wouldn’t move, eat or drink and when her parents decided to take her to a professional, she started screaming and crying out loud, saying the words “I am okay! I am okay! Don’t mind me! Just go! Go!” That was the time I felt that things should be tied up already, I could not just stand seeing her falling into the deepest hole of her nightmare. She may have lost him, her everything but it’s just him. If he’s not someone good for her, a better one will come tomorrow.

LOVE—a clear evidence of her pain. She loved, she loved and she loved until she has nothing to give. It’s a revoltingly two-faced cheater, a killer who stabbed her deeply at the back, leaving her lying lifelessly on the ground, losing the courage to stand up and face life again. Well, that’s reality, love is not all about happy endings and there will never be happy endings because it’s all about drenched pillows, sleepless nights, fading dreams and shredded heart. That’s the intention of love, of a wrong love, of a wrong way of loving, of a wrong person to love, to destroy, to put up a society of the living dead, breathing but not living.

The shore is waiting for her as she say goodbye to the deep water she was soaked in for the long-lived days of her life. The sun will smile at her again and the moon will sing its greatest lullaby as she peacefully sleeps at night.  It’s not apparent to forget everything but I firmly believe that my friend would someday walk up to me, having that gleeful smile on her face again. I know she just needs time to think and fix herself. She may be like a broken vase now but I know a day will come; someone will help her to put all the broken pieces together and be as one again. Love will not be the cheater or the killer anymore, because the right love will be found, the right way of loving will be done and the right person will come.

It’s bewildering to let go of what you had expected to stay. You were so happy that it seemed like a fairy tale story in your eyes but at the end of it, you’ll see, happily ever after never materialized. You whimper and think that it’s the end of the world, that your every dream was shattered into pieces. You wouldn’t know how long it may take for the wounds to heal or maybe they never will because you can’t accept the fact that your paradise had finally reached its sunset.

I’ve loved him more than a year now. Yes, he had gone so far way and yet I could feel his presence inside me. It was never easy to accept the verity that I wasn’t and will never be the best for him. But I never blamed him for that though it almost killed me because I know that even for once, he loved me wholeheartedly. We had a good time together and I bet that somehow, in those good times he felt how much I love him.

I cried a lot when our bond fell apart, especially at night where in no one could grasp how much throbbing I was going through. It was never easy to endure a life not having him around; it’s like falling into the deepest water where no one could ever hoard me. I really got crazy about him and maybe obsessed.

I thought I would stay in the dimness for the rest of my days but no, God never permitted that thing to happen. Until now, I still love him but not in love with him anymore. I learned my lesson and I think that is the most essential of all. Because repeating the same mistakes are undeniably a big stupidity.

I thank him for coming to my life because despite the fact that he had hurt me so much, I became stronger than I thought I would be. He was once my paradise, but only in my dreams because the truest paradise lies in the arms of God.

Each and every one of us is afraid to be vanquished. We’re all troubled to be left-out. But as they say, life isn’t always fair. Everything is not for certain. You may have it today but might mislay it tomorrow. It’s just about how you reasonably played the game and somehow became a warrior of your own battle.

Some of us think that there’s no life after an unfathomable mourning. We make ourselves captives of our own derelictions. We never grasped that the helping hand of God had always been there to reach-out and help us start again.

Same as you, the times I whined because of letdown are countless. I went through a hard time accepting things. But light gleamed through my eyes because of the heartening words of my mother. She told me that true frontrunners are those who are not afraid to try again after being wounded. She also added that titles are not needed to become triumphant. It’s all about how you’ve given the best out of yourself.

Everyone searches, everyone fights and everyone fails, but time will come that recuperation becomes a necessity. It’s not wrong to cry for a while, what’s not good is to let the courage within you ashen and let yourself be drowned in hopelessness and adversity. Life is too dumpy to settle for less, better make the best out of it. Look at the world’s beauty at its finest despite the despondency planted in it because life, after all, is about a quest for hope amidst failure.